Photo by Tifani Truelove. Graphics by A Stripper's Guide
Do your love affairs feel like emotional roller coasters? Do you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself to please your partner(s)? Do you know you need to cut someone out of your life, but always seem to find excuses to let them back in?
This week on A Stripper's Guide Podcast, you get to meet my amazing, beautiful, smart, talented, caring client, Genie. This episode is a recording of a real Breakup Coaching session between she and I. Genie is a fabulous, independent femme who is ready to leave her 5-year toxic relationship behind (for real) and embrace her full, complex, glorious self. She called on me for some accountability and support because breakups are fucking hard!
A "hot an cold" lover is someone who makes promises of consistency and then fails to deliver. They often break their word, or they lie, or are otherwise cruel and careless with our hearts.
But our hearts are not idiots. Our emotions live in our body as an evolutionary survival mechanism; they are meant to warn us of danger.
Our minds play the trick on us, and then we blame our hearts. Our hearts, our bellies, our skin--these are much more reliable than our minds when we are in a destructive relationship.
People have an incredible capacity to rationalize why we keep doing shit we know isn't good for us. If you've ever been involved with a lover who repeatedly lets you down, you may have found yourself in a mental jungle gym, flipping and see-sawing inside your brain to convince your heart why it's okay to keep them in your life.
When people say one thing but then do another often enough to make it a character trait, our bodies tell us they can't be trusted. When someone lets you down, what happens in your body? Do you get nauseous? Heart palpitations? Crawly skin?
When someone betrays us, and then denies or minimizes what we know they did, or swears that this time they'll *really* change, our bodies usually try to signal us that this is not a trustworthy or safe relationship. What frequently happens, though, especially for people who were conditioned into a patriarchal version of "femininity", is that we mentally override our bodies' signals, and put our faith back in the person who consistently lets us down.
"Hot and cold" love affairs are really emotionally abusive relationships. An abundance of psychological research has proven that that these relationships can actually produce a chemical dependence in the brain of the person who is being abused (I recommend the book Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare by Shahida Arabi for a thorough explanation and list of resources on this topic). When we're in an abusive relationship cycle, we actually become addicted to the highs and lows. When our abusers inevitably let us down again, we rationalize why it's okay to keep contact with that person, because we are actually dependent on the dopamine supply we receive during the phase of the relationship where we make up from whatever argument most recently festered.
If you've been struggling to let go of a relationship like this, there's only one surefire way to truly let go. If possible, cut them completely out of your life--physically and digitally.
If you really want to move on, you gotta BLOCK THEM.
Bonus! Check out my 3 hours (and counting) BLOCK THEM playlist on Spotify!
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